First of all:
I know what you’re thinking. You think I’ve lost my way, and somebody’s going to come on the stage in a minute and guide me gently back to my seat.
Never mind … Mrs. Ryan is just warming up. It’s about learning English. There are many ways to do so. The question is: for what purpose?
And I want to remind you that the giants upon whose shoulders today’s intelligentsia stand did not have to have English, they didn’t have to pass an English test. Case in point, Einstein. He, by the way, was considered remedial at school because he was, in fact, dyslexic. But fortunately for the world, he did not have to pass an English test. Because they didn’t start until 1964 with TOEFL, the American test of English. Now it’s exploded. There are lots and lots of tests of English.
That’s the point. Does TOEFL always make sense, like all the others?
My wardrobe doesn’t have enough yummy colours in it.
David Letterman, June 16, 1983
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU – rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.
The agreed plan is as follows:
In year 1, the soft c would be replaced by s Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard C will be replaced by ‘k . This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph is replaced by f This will reduse fotograf by 20%.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent ‘e’s in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.
By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing th with Z and w with v (saving mor keyboard spas).
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou and similar changes vud of kors be applid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis tifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!
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